I don't think it happened because I was making tacos, just while. Perhaps it happened because of the yoga practice I'd done not long before. It was supposed to be energizing...I'm guessing that the wrong energy got energized. Maybe? Maybe. There was fire breath and I think I said hiiiiyah! a time or two.
Or maybe it happened because I'm a nervous Nelly by Nature (like Naughty by Nature but different) and as my training calendar stares at me from the fridge, I realize just how real this shiz is.
It's not like I'm having a baby or going off to war or getting a leg amputated, I signed up for this and I'm am aware that I'm responsible for the butterflies and the injuries and the whatever else is coming my way. But that feeling of maybe not being able to be successful at something that you really want to be successful at is big and hairy and scary and heavy.
And, to clarify, being successful in this situation for me would be not giving up. I'm not really afraid of getting hurt and not being able to finish or the weather ruining things like it did for St. Jude, if those things happen, they happen. I'm not running with a bone poking out of my leg nor am I running 'cross an icy Mississippi River Bridge. I'm afraid of giving up. Of quitting. Of saying this is to hard or I cannot press on!
I'm a girl who lets my head get the best of me. I'm a girl who just an hour before aforementioned meltdown rolled around on her yoga mat because side plank or whateverthehelliwastryingtodo was just. to. hard. I'm afraid I'll stop at mile 21 because my mind, not my body, says Enough! I am done.
These are the things that prompt mid taco making meltdowns on the phone with my mom. Of course, I went through a lengthy list of things that I am anxious about, some realistic and some not. Of course, I felt better after talking about it. Of course, my mom said (again) you know you can just call me if you need to stop and I'll come get you! Then she added...you have until 3pm to finish!
Of course, when I get still and quiet about this, I remember that one of the reasons that I even signed up to do this is because it will be hard and because it will throw me so far out of my comfort zone that I'll probably cry.
One of my goals is less chitta vritti and more shanti. (Yes, let's all learn new words today!) How does that happen? Practice. Repetition. Constantly bringing awareness back to right here, right now. What is involved in distance running? Practice. Repetition. Constantly bringing awareness back to right here, right now. One day, maybe, I'll wrap my head around all this, I've been talking about it since at least this time last year. Remember this post?
I know that finishing this race/not finishing this race has nothing to do with my worth as a person. But isn't it amazing when we do stuff that's hard? Stuff that we questioned our ability to ever do? Going back to school, moving to a new town, surviving a breakup, making new friends, handling a job loss, having cancer, beating an addiction...this is all stuff that is hard and / or scary but so worth it when we come out on the other end. Taking a risk is scary but isn't it worth it?
Sure it is!